


Haunted

by Miko



Category: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-20
Updated: 2010-03-26
Packaged: 2017-10-21 08:33:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miko/pseuds/Miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They thought being separated was the worst thing that could ever happen to them. They had no idea how bad it could get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Long lost words whisper slowly to me  
Still can't find what keeps me here  
When all this time I've been so hollow inside  
I know you're still there  
\- Evanescence: 'Haunted'_

"So, I've been thinking." Hikaru flopped down on the bed next to his brother, sprawling out and kicking his feet in the air in conscious imitation of his twin.

"Careful. That's a dangerous habit to get into." Kaoru looked up from the textbook he'd been studying, a mischievous glint in his amber eyes. "You might not be able to stop again."

"Idiot." Hikaru swatted at his brother, with no heat behind either the action or the word. "I was thinking that the whole 'unresolved sexual tension' thing is starting to get repetitive. There's only so many ways we can not quite get into compromising positions."

"So? That's our act," Kaoru argued, frowning. "It's a little late to change now, isn't it?"

"I'm not talking about changing it, just taking it to the next level," Hikaru said. "Give them a taste of what they want."

"Actually kiss, you mean?" Intrigued, Kaoru considered that. "Won't that break some of the thrill of the 'forbidden love' aspect? Half of what they sigh over is not being _sure_ there's anything going on."

"Nah, not if we do it right," Hikaru insisted. "We make it look like an accident, then spend the next two weeks brooding and mooning at each other."

"And then one of us engineers something a little more obviously, and let the girls think we're slowly working towards actually admitting our forbidden feelings." Kaoru nodded in understanding. "Could work. Might be fun. We'll be in danger of losing our hearing from the squealing, though." He grinned.

"Yeah, and we'd better warn Kyoya ahead of time or he'll kill us for the missed photo opportunity," Hikaru laughed. "We'll have to be careful to draw it out for a long time, because once we do this we're raising the bar, and we can't raise it much further."

"What if we made it more one-sided, to drag it out?" Kaoru suggested. He sat up, crossing his legs and leaning towards Hikaru. "I'm seen as being more dependent on you, so it could be that I would realize first that I wanted more than just being brothers. We could milk that sympathy for a while. Or would that break the image of twin-synchronicity too much?"

"Mmm... I think we can pull it off, if we play it that I'm refusing to acknowledge my desires because I'm protecting you," Hikaru said. "So how do we do it? Just take one of our usual routines a little further?"

"Why not make it look like a _real_ accident?" Kaoru asked. "Get one of the others in on it - have Honey bump into us while we're doing a routine and push us together, then act like we're shocked."

"Brilliant," Hikaru praised his twin. "Most of the girls know we're really only acting, but that'll make them wonder. Should we practice?"

"Yeah, we'd better," Kaoru agreed. "Getting that 'shocked but intrigued despite ourselves' reaction will take some work. Use the mirror?"

Hikaru nodded, and they moved off the bed to the clear space in front of their closet mirror. They often practiced here when they came up with a new idea for an act for the club. Their 'forbidden love' image took a lot more work than people realized.

After a bit of experimentation, they decided to have Kaoru trip and 'bruise' his knee, and Hikaru leaning over him to comfort him and help him up. Crouched next to his twin, Hikaru looked down into familiar amber eyes and for the first time ever, he felt a twinge of weirdness. This was way farther than they'd ever taken the act before. Was it too far? Would this cross some line that they wouldn't be able to come back from?

"Ready?" he asked, more to give himself a moment to prepare than to check with Kaoru.

"Do it," Kaoru nodded, and put on the besotted expression he would be wearing for the club.

Hikaru reached out to him, and jolted forward abruptly as if he'd been hit from behind. He adopted a surprised look, and saw Kaoru's eyes widen in shock and dismay. The distance between them closed rapidly...

...and they promptly bashed their noses together.

They pulled back, laughing and clutching their faces, and the unnatural tension between them eased. "Okay, this is harder than it looks," Hikaru chuckled.

"Good thing we decided to practice," Kaoru agreed. "Try again?"

The second time they managed to get the angle right. They brushed their lips together, then broke apart immediately and stared at each other. Hikaru saw his own thoughts and worries echoed clearly in his twin's eyes - and he started to laugh again. "Well, the world didn't end."

"What, no sudden passionate realizations of undying love?" Kaoru asked, feigning exaggerated disappointment that didn't quite mask his real relief. "Our fangirls would be so depressed."

"And since we _don't_ want them to think there's nothing going on, we'd better practice 'til we're a lot more convincing than that. And hell, it'll be worth it if and when we ever get girlfriends," Hikaru added.

They tried again, and this time they were both relaxed enough to get it right. Their lips met and they froze, eyes wide in a semblance of shock as they stared at each other. Then they jerked apart, nearly stumbling, both blushing and looking flustered.

After a moment Hikaru straightened and allowed the blush to fade, grinning. "Great. They're gonna go nuts. Let's keep at it until we get it perfect, though."

It took them several tries to reach a point where they were both satisfied with it. By then the idea of kissing his twin was no longer strange to Hikaru. It was just another part of the act, another way to play with the heads of everyone outside their private world.

"Want to practice the next one while we're at it?" he asked once they had it down pat. "Let's see, you're driving yourself crazy thinking about me, so..."

"So then I can't bear it any more, snap and kiss you again," Kaoru nodded. "If we really want them to believe it, we'll do it outside of Host Club, at lunch or something."

"Good idea!" Hikaru agreed. "Okay, so I'm just innocently waiting in line for my lunch..."

He positioned himself so he'd be able to watch their expressions in the mirror, and contrived to look bored. No, not bored - brooding, because he was supposed to be nobly denying his own desires to protect his brother's innocence from his shameful lusts.

That thought was so over the top it nearly made Hikaru snort with amusement, but he kept a straight face with an effort.

Kaoru approached him, his movements jerky as if he was struggling with himself. His expression was so anguished Hikaru had to fight the urge to break character and comfort his twin. "I can't stand it anymore!" Kaoru declared wildly, his fists clenched. "I don't care if you hate me, I can't take it!"

"Kaoru..." The one startled word was all Hikaru got out before his brother grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him passionately. This was a bit of a role reversal for them; usually he was the aggressive one, but that just made Kaoru's 'internal struggle' look all the more poignant to an outsider.

Hikaru let the kiss linger a moment, bringing his hands up and clutching at his twin as if he couldn't decide whether to pull him closer or push him away. Finally he broke the embrace with a gasp, watching the mirror to try to get the right mix of horror and reluctant longing on his face. "Kaoru, we can't..."

He broke off abruptly, eyes wide and horrified, and what came out of his mouth next had nothing to do with their improvised script. "M-mother!"

"What?" Kaoru turned in his arms, but neither of them thought to actually let go, too startled by the unexpected intrusion.

" _What_ are you doing?" Their mother's voice was shrill, and she looked utterly appalled.

Belatedly Hikaru stepped back and released his brother, painfully aware of how this had to look to her. "Mother, it's not what you're thinking..."

"We're just practicing an act for the Host Club," Kaoru chimed in. "We told you about the club at dinner last time you were home, remember?"

"It's just an act," Hikaru repeated with more emphasis, because he could see the disbelief in her eyes.

Her expression hardened. "Downstairs, my office, both of you. Right now," she added when they hesitated and looked at each other instead of obeying.

"Yes, ma'am," they murmured in unison, and they went. There was absolutely no arguing with their strong-willed mother when she took that tone. She watched them go with her arms crossed over her chest, glaring. Hikaru wasn't surprised when she signalled for one of the servants to go along and keep an eye on them.

"Shit, now what?" Kaoru hissed when they were out of sight of her.

"We keep our cool and tell the truth," Hikaru whispered back, struggling to follow his own advice. He was sweating hard, afraid to even think about what the backlash from this might be. "When she calms down, she'll be willing to listen to reason."

But she kept them cooling their heels for over an hour, which couldn't be a good sign. The twins deliberately sat apart on separate chairs rather than sprawling together on the bench as was their habit. The separation felt unnatural, and judging by the way Kaoru was fidgeting he wasn't any more at ease than Hikaru.

They heard their mother before they saw her - she was shouting at someone, presumably their father. That was another bad sign, but worse was the fact that she stopped before she was close enough for them to make out the words, and completely silent as she entered the room. Their father, whom they so resembled, trailed after his wife not unlike a faithful puppy. Even he looked disturbed and upset, and that _really_ wasn't a good sign.

She waved the servant out, then shut the door firmly and turned to the twins. "I'm disappointed in both of you," she said with no preamble, her expression set and hard. "That you would even think of risking bringing this sort of shame on the Hitachiin family name is unbelievable."

"It wasn't what it looked like!" Kaoru protested. "Mother, we only..."

"I don't want to hear it," she cut him off. "If I'd realized how far this game of yours was going, I'd have put a stop to it long ago. It is unacceptable, is that clear?"

"Yes, ma'am," they chorused, exchanging dismayed looks. Once again her tone indicated there was no point in arguing or trying to explain. What were they going to tell Tamaki? Well, maybe they could play up the 'tragic separation by misunderstanding parents' angle to get the girls' sympathy until the whole thing blew over.

Watching them, their mother's lips thinned. "Your father and I have been discussing for some time the need to send someone to oversee our American production lines," she announced seemingly out of left field. "We've decided he will go himself, and he'll be bringing one of you along. The other will stay here."

"What?" Dismayed, Hikaru stared at her. _Separate_ them? For real? They hadn't spent more than a few hours apart at a time since they'd been born.

"For how long?" Kaoru demanded.

"Until such time as I've decided I can trust you together again. Until you're finished high school, at the very least."

" _NO!_ " "You can't _do_ that!" Simultaneously they leapt to their feet, and Hikaru honestly wasn't sure which of them had said what. It didn't really matter. Kaoru had gone deathly pale, and Hikaru was half afraid his twin might faint. He had to clench his own hands into fists to hide the way he was shaking.

"It's been decided," she said ruthlessly. "There will be no discussion. I will not risk this sort of smirch on the Hitachiin name. Besides, it's past time for the two of you to break the unhealthy dependence you have on each other. This will be good for both of you."

"Unhealthy?" Hikaru repeated, incensed. Tone or no tone, there was no way in hell he was going to let _this_ go without an argument. "What would you know about it? We hardly ever see you. You can't even tell us apart!"

"We _are_ growing out of it," Kaoru put in. "The club itself is proof of that. We have friends now. Real friends - even someone who _can_ tell us apart." The bitterness in his brother's last words was clear, and Hikaru nodded in emphatic agreement.

"Enough! This is not open to debate," their mother declared. She pointed at Hikaru. " _You_ will be flying with your father to Los Angeles the moment our jet is ready. Pack what you'll need for the first week; the rest will be shipped when it's ready. _You_ ," she pointed at Kaoru, "are confined to this office until he's out of the house."

"You're not even going to let us say goodbye?" Kaoru cried, anguished.

"You may say your farewells right now," she said.

"I know this seems harsh now, boys," their father added. "But you'll thank us someday, when you meet again and realize how valuable the time apart was."

The twins looked at each other, and Hikaru saw his own fury and despair in his brother's eyes. Impulsively he crossed the short distance between them and pulled Kaoru into a tight hug.

"No..." Kaoru moaned, and the choked sound of his voice stabbed right through Hikaru's heart. He could feel the way his brother was trembling like a leaf in a windstorm, and hear the tiny hitched breaths Kaoru was taking in an effort not to cry. "This can't be happening..."

In that instant, Hikaru reached a decision that completely rearranged his priorities in life. "I _will_ come back to you," he promised savagely. "They can't keep us apart for long. I don't care what it takes!" Kaoru looked at him, wide-eyed with shock and the first tentative stirrings of hope.

Strong hands closed over Hikaru's shoulders and pulled him away, and he looked back to see one of the bigger servants holding him. "That's quite enough theatrics," their mother declared coldly. "Go and pack, now. Or so help me, I _will_ send you off without so much as a change of clothes."

Hikaru wanted to argue that they had servants who could do the packing, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. She was determined to take even these precious last few minutes from them.

Looking at his twin as the servant pulled him towards the door, Hikaru tried to put everything he was feeling into his eyes for his brother to see. "Believe in me - in us."

Kaoru's shoulders straightened, and the threatened tears vanished. His voice was strong and steady. "Always."

That was the last glimpse Hikaru had of his twin before he was forced out of the room. He memorized it and held it close to his heart. It was going to have to last him for far too long.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaoru picked listlessly at his breakfast, not at all hungry. He hadn't slept the entire night, staring up at the ceiling and listening in vain for the familiar sounds of his twin asleep beside him. Hikaru had already been on a plane by then, somewhere out over the Pacific Ocean and getting farther away with every moment that passed.

It didn't exactly inspire Kaoru to face his day with enthusiasm. He seriously considered claiming to be sick and staying home from school. He certainly felt miserable enough to justify it - and the thought of having to face the inevitable questions from their classmates and friends was almost enough to drive him to tears.

The only thing he had to cling to was Hikaru's promise. He wasn't sure what his twin had in mind, but Kaoru didn't care if the plan consisted of running away to live on a sidewalk in a cardboard box. It would be better than trying to exist while half his soul was missing.

Sighing, he set down his utensils and pushed his chair away from the table. "May I be excused?" he mumbled automatically, because his mother always insisted on proper manners when she was present.

She was frowning at him now, tapping her manicured nails against the polished tabletop. "You may," she finally acknowledged. "But this moping had better not last long. It doesn't suit a member of the Hitachiin family. I realize you miss Kaoru, but you're old enough now to understand that private emotions do not belong out in public for the world to see."

Kaoru stared at her. Their parents had never been able to tell them apart, and seemed to guess wrong more than half the time. The twins had long since stopped correcting them. But had that been a mindless slip of the tongue? Or did she honestly believe...

He started to laugh helplessly, a sound closer to hysteria than mirth, his hands white-knuckled on the edge of the table. "I wondered why you sent him instead of me," he gasped, fighting to control his trembling. "It seemed odd that you wouldn't want to keep the older twin with you, since he's technically your heir. You thought I was Hikaru, didn't you?"

The surprise on her face prompted further laughter, and he had to sit down again or risk collapsing. She'd kept the wrong twin. It was a shallow sort of vengeance, but he'd take whatever he could get.

"It doesn't matter," she snapped, visibly attempting to regain her composure. "You were mixed up so often as babies it's impossible to be certain which of you is older. Either way, I expect you to maintain a certain appearance of dignity in public. Am I understood?"

Kaoru looked back at her, his laughter fading and leaving behind an aching emptiness. "Or what?" he asked softly. "What _possible_ punishment could you give me that would top tearing away half my soul? What more can you do to me?"

"Stop being melodramatic," she ordered him, but he saw uneasiness in her eyes and knew he'd driven his point home. She had no real way of controlling him now, because he had nothing of significance left to lose.

"I'm going to be late for school," he murmured, standing again. The thought of facing his classmates alone was still unbearable, but staying with _her_ was even less appealing.

She watched him closely as he left, and Kaoru held his dignity tightly to him. He wouldn't let her see him hurting again, not even if it killed him. No, he was going to plan everything he could think of to make her life miserable and wait for Hikaru to come back to him.

* * *

Haruhi knew something was deeply wrong the moment she walked into the classroom. There was something missing, some element that should have been present but wasn't.

It didn't take her long to consciously realize what her subconscious had already noticed. Kaoru sat alone in one of the two desks usually occupied by the twins, the one closest to hers. The other desk was glaringly empty, and Kaoru was slumped over with his head resting in his hands. He looked exhausted or maybe sick; she'd never seen him so miserable.

"Is Hikaru ill?" she asked as she walked over and put her bag on her own desk.

He looked up, and he did a creditable job of pulling off a bored expression, but the sheer misery in his eyes stopped her in her tracks. "Kaoru, what is it?" she said, now truly concerned.

He shook his head. "Nothing," he croaked, though the lie was so obvious a toddler could have seen through it.

Her expression must have told him as much, because he stood and took her arm, urging her out into the hall. They still had several minutes before class, so she let him pull her along.

"Well?" she asked again once they were out of earshot of the worst of the gossips. The obvious anguish in his expression made her reach out to him in turn, resting her free hand over his. "What happened?"

"Hikaru... they sent him away," Kaoru said, sounding numb. "Our mother caught us practicing a new idea for the Host Club, and I don't think she believed us that it was only an act. They sent him away with our father to America. For the rest of high school, or longer."

"What?" Haruhi was shocked. Separate the twins? It was unthinkable. Even if they'd truly been fooling around and using the club to cover it, surely that was too harsh a reaction.

And Kaoru... he looked lost, like a sailor adrift at sea with no idea where to look for land. Haruhi had never imagined he could look so utterly devastated.

"Are you okay?" she asked, even though the answer was obvious.

"Honestly? Not really," Kaoru shook his head. "He promised he'd come back for me, just before they dragged him out of the room. He _promised_ , and that's about the only thing keeping me going at the moment."

Haruhi kept her opinion of whether Hikaru could keep such a promise to herself. Kaoru didn't need realism right now. He also didn't need to hear platitudes about how he would eventually move on and stop missing Hikaru so much. So she said the only thing she _could_ say. "I'm here for you," she told him softly. "For anything you need, Kaoru. I know that's not really good enough, but..."

"No, it means a lot," Kaoru told her, and straightened his shoulders with a visible effort. He still looked fragile, but not as if he would shatter at the first hint of pressure. "I just... I don't know how I can face everyone," he confessed. "I feel naked, like half of me is missing and I'm totally off balance. I've never come to school without him before. We've always even gotten sick at the same time."

"Take it one step at a time," Haruhi advised him. "And the first step is getting to class before we're late. Just concentrate on your schoolwork for now, if you can."

"I'll manage," he said, and turned his hand over to squeeze her fingers gratefully before heading back into class.

Haruhi kept a close eye on him throughout the morning. He flinched when Hikaru's name was called for the roll, but otherwise seemed to successfully bury himself in the work. Still, by the time lunch arrived he was noticeably drooping.

"You look exhausted," she said when the bell rang. He made an attempt at a wan smile.

"I didn't sleep well last night," he admitted. "Or, you know, at all. I've never slept without him at least being in the same room."

There was nothing comforting she could say, so she just touched him lightly on the arm and changed the subject. "Why don't you eat lunch in here with me, so you don't have to face the hordes in the cafeteria? We can share my lunch, I've got enough."

That woke him up a little. "I can't eat your lunch, then you'd go hungry," he objected. She could almost _see_ the visions of 'noble, starving Haruhi, the penniless peasant' dancing through his brain, complete with clouds of gloom. Tamaki was more dramatic about that sort of thing, but the twins could be nearly as bad.

"Don't be ridiculous, I said I have plenty," she told him, rolling her eyes. "But if you want to go to the cafeteria, be my guest."

She felt bad for teasing him when he glanced at the crowd of their classmates heading out the door and turned pale. "No... no, I'll stay here with you," he said hastily.

He still didn't eat much, but Haruhi had a shrewd notion it had more to do with lack of appetite than a desire not to steal food from her poor, starving hands. Tomorrow, she resolved, she would make extra and put some real effort into cooking it. She couldn't make the sort of fancy foods he was used to, but maybe the very novelty of eating 'commoner food' would help keep him distracted. From now until he felt up to eating in the cafeteria again, she'd do her best. It wasn't as if she minded having the company, even if he wasn't the world's best conversationalist at the moment.

"I'm not sure whether to be grateful or upset that we don't have Host Club today," he said at one point, chasing a grain of rice absently with his chopsticks. "It would mean questions from the others, but at least it would give me something else to think about."

Something told Haruhi that sending him home to brood after class was a very bad idea. "Why don't you come to my place and we can study?" she offered. "We'll have to stop for groceries for dinner along the way, but with you to help me carry them I won't have any trouble getting them home. Father won't be home until late, he's working tonight."

"Grocery shopping? For actual ingredients? You cook your own food? I guess you'd have to, wouldn't you." For the first time that day, Kaoru looked mildly interested. "Can I watch?"

"If you like," she agreed, pleased that she'd found something to distract him. Impulsively she added, "I'll teach you, if you're interested. It's not that hard, and it's a good skill for anyone to have." The twins had been so fascinated by instant coffee and 'peasant' shopping malls. Maybe the novelty of preparing his own food would appeal to him.

"Really?" Kaoru perked up a little more. "Yeah, okay, if you don't mind. Sounds kinda fun, right?"

He looked to his right, for one instant as animated and mischievous as ever. Haruhi had a moment to wonder what he was looking for, before the light left his eyes abruptly and she realized he'd been automatically checking for Hikaru's input.

He visibly deflated, shoulders slumping, though he made a valiant effort to hold on to his smile as he turned back to her. "You have to let me buy the food," he told her. "Both as a thank-you for having me over, and because I'll probably ruin a lot at first."

Under other circumstances Haruhi might have argued, but she decided not to make an issue of it this once. "I'm sure you'll do fine." She hesitated, not sure if asking would be rubbing salt in the wound. "Why did you look that way? Why that direction in particular, I mean?" There had been something about the gesture that suggested there was more to it than random chance.

His answering smile was pained, but still there. "Because that's where he is," he said, pointing in the same direction he'd glanced in. "That way. Haven't you noticed that we can always find each other without looking around? I always know what direction he's in, just not how far."

Haruhi thought about it, and realized he was right. The twins could always turn unerringly towards each other, even if they'd been out of each other's sight and moving around. And when she brought up a mental map of the school and placed them on it, she found he'd been pointing straight to the east. Towards America.

Their connection was even deeper than she'd thought. Small wonder Kaoru looked lost. His internal compass needle was fixed in place and he couldn't find his way without it.

She put a hand on his arm, and the look in his eyes acknowledged her understanding. "He _will_ come back for you," she said, and now she believed it as well. "Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but he will. And in the meantime, you have me. Okay?"

"Okay," he nodded, and his smile was a little more genuine. "Thanks, Haruhi. You're a better friend than we deserve."

Seeing the fragile look that still lurked in his eyes, despite the hope and resolve, Haruhi only hoped Hikaru would find a way to keep his promise soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Hikaru dumped his bookbag in the corner and flopped down onto the bed. The ceiling was a bland off-white colour, without stucco or even cracks to break it up, but it held his eyes as if it was fascinating. It wasn't as though there was anything else in the room that he wanted to look at.

It was still 'the' room, not 'his' room, even though he'd been living in it for more than two weeks. The trunks with his things had arrived from Japan and the maids had unpacked it all, but to Hikaru the room still looked painfully empty and unfinished.

There was only one closet, one desk, one dresser. Only one bag in the corner, one set of schoolbooks on the shelves. Only room for one person in the bed. The gaping holes where his twin's things should have been were glaringly obvious to Hikaru, and as long as they remained empty the room would never feel right. It couldn't be 'his' room, because it wasn't 'theirs'.

But Hikaru was already working on a plan to fix that. He was getting all kinds of guilt money from his father, 'to help him settle in'. Hikaru was spending just enough of it on flashy junk to make it look like he was using it all, and carefully hoarding the rest.

Once he had enough, he'd buy a ticket back to Japan, claim to be out at a party thrown by one of his 'new friends', and fly home to get Kaoru. He wasn't quite sure what they would do after that, but they were smart and resourceful. Not to mention they had some powerful friends. Tamaki was a soft touch and could probably be counted on for help, and Hikaru thought they might be able to persuade Kyoya into a business proposition of some kind.

And if worse came to worst, they could always have Haruhi teach them to live like commoners. Hikaru would give up his wealth and privilege in a heartbeat if it meant having Kaoru with him again.

In the meantime, he had to maintain the illusion that he was reluctantly settling in here and resigning himself to the situation. That was the hardest part by far.

Hikaru was a foreigner, far from everything he knew. He didn't understand the customs and social structures here, and had no real interest in learning them. The perception of 'us against the world' had begun to shift for the twins with their inclusion in the Host Club, but Hikaru was too focused on getting back to his brother to make the effort of reaching out to these strangers. There was no point, when he'd just be leaving as soon as he possibly could.

"Hikaru," his father called him from down the hall. "Come down to my office, please, I need to speak to you."

Hikaru seriously considered refusing, but after a moment of debate he rolled off the bed. 'Reluctant co-operation' was the image he was going for, even if he didn't particularly want to co-operate. Sighing, he headed down the stairs to his father's office, wondering what he was going to hear this time. The 'you must maintain the dignity of the family' lecture? Or maybe the 'you'll thank us for this when you're older' talk? His father seemed to have a whole assortment planned out to be delivered at regular intervals.

Shoving the office door open, Hikaru entered and slouched against the wall, his arms crossed and his expression unfriendly. That much, at least, he didn't have to feign. "What?"

His father was sitting at the desk, fiddling nervously with a pen. He looked extremely upset, but Hikaru wasn't in the least sympathetic. As far as he was concerned, anything that troubled his father was in Hikaru's good books.

"Sit down," his father said, indicating the chair. Hikaru only glared at him, and he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Hikaru... I'm sorry, there's no easy way to tell you this. There's been an accident. A drunk driver. Your brother..."

He trailed off, obviously struggling for words, and Hikaru felt the blood drain from his face. An accident? Kaoru? "He's okay, right?" Hikaru demanded, unfolding his arms and clutching at the nearest chair for support. Automatically he turned his head, homing in on the faint tug on his soul that told him where his twin was. "Kaoru's fine." It came out as a statement this time. Hikaru would _know_ if his twin was hurt, he was sure of it.

His father looked pained. "Kaoru... is gone, Hikaru, I'm sorry. It would have been instant; he wouldn't have felt any pain. Your mother..."

" _No._ " The denial came out more sharply than Hikaru had intended. He had to take a deep breath and force himself to calm down before he could continue. "You're wrong. Kaoru is fine. He's _fine_." There was no question in his mind. He'd always known when his brother was hurt, and he hadn't felt a thing.

"He's dead, Hikaru. I'm sorry." His father spread his hands in a helpless gesture, his eyes grief-stricken. "I wish I could tell you otherwise. Your mother was beside herself when she called, just hysterical."

" _NO!_ " This time the word was more of a shout, and Hikaru gripped the chair so hard the wood creaked under his fingers. "You're wrong. You're lying! He's not dead, he can't be. I'd _know_!"

Wouldn't he? They didn't really know how distance would affect the bond between them. But he could still feel Kaoru there, somewhere to the west of him. That unerring instinct had never failed them before, why would it suddenly change now?

"Hikaru, you couldn't possibly know," his father said. "I know the two of you have always believed in some kind of... of mystical link you have, but be realistic. The fact is, he's gone."

Now Hikaru wished he'd taken the offered seat, because it felt like his knees were going to give out on him. If he moved now, he was certain he would collapse. "No," he moaned, shaking his head over and over in blind denial. "No, no, no..." It couldn't be. It couldn't be!

Standing, his father moved around the desk and put a supporting hand on Hikaru's arm. Hikaru turned towards him, forgetting for the moment his vendetta against his parents. "Please," he begged, his voice emerging high and thin like a terrified child. "Please."

He wasn't even sure what he was pleading for; for it to be some kind of horrible joke, for his father to assure him that it wasn't real, for him to wake up and find it had only been a terrible nightmare.

The look in his father's eyes stripped his denials away, and Hikaru screamed with the pain of it. " _No! Kaoru! NO!_ " He broke down sobbing, something he couldn't remember doing since he'd been a little boy. His father held him, and Hikaru wept bitterly into the older man's shoulder for what felt like hours.

To live apart from his twin had been the worst punishment he could imagine. But to live in a world that didn't have Kaoru in it, with no hope of _ever_ seeing his brother again, would be worse than living in hell.

It still didn't feel real to him by the time his tears began to slow. Vaguely he was aware that he was in shock. Everything felt distant and numb, as if he was somehow one step removed from the rest of the world. He kept looking to the west, turning again and again towards the place where he could _feel_ his other half waiting for him.

"When... when are we going back?" Hikaru had to force the words past his unresponsive throat.

"We're not," his father said solemnly, stepping back and bracing him by the shoulders. "Your mother and I thought it would be best if you stayed here. There's nothing to remind you of him here. You can start fresh."

Hikaru laughed, a sick sound that echoed horribly in his ears and made his father flinch and pull away entirely. Start fresh? Without Kaoru? There was _nothing_ without his twin, so how could there be anything to 'start fresh' _with_?

"What about the... the f..." He couldn't make himself say the word. If he said it, then it would be real and he wouldn't be able to take it back. The only way he was able to handle this without breaking down completely was by clinging to the feeling that this _had_ to be a nightmare.

Now his father wouldn't meet his eyes. "The funeral was this morning," he said softly. "Your mother was so distraught... I'm sorry, Hikaru. It happened days ago, but she only just called..."

For a long moment Hikaru stared at him, unable to make sense of the words. Slowly rage began to push out grief and disbelief, burning in his chest like a fire. "The funeral is over," he repeated, certain he'd misunderstood, but his father nodded. Hikaru exploded. "My twin brother is _dead_ , and nobody thought it would be a good idea to fucking _tell_ me? To let me go home and at least say _goodbye_? To see my friends, the people who actually give a fuck about me... unlike my own gods-damned _parents_?"

"Now, Hikaru..." his father started, frowning.

"Don't you fucking 'now, Hikaru' _me_ ," Hikaru shouted, stepping forward with his fists clenched. "You son of a bitch, this is _all your fault_! You're the ones who separated us. If you hadn't been so damned eager to save your fucking reputation..."

"If you hadn't come here, you'd probably be dead too," his father pointed out.

"At least we'd be _together_ ," Hikaru snarled. "Like we're _supposed_ to be. I _hate_ you!"

He turned on his heel to stalk out of the office, vibrating with fury that was a thin veneer over soul-wrenching grief. He'd said it - he'd said the words, Kaoru was dead. He couldn't unsay them now, and that meant he had to live with it. Somehow.

"Hikaru!" his father called after him, sounding almost frightened. "Hikaru, please, don't do anything rash."

Pausing in the doorway, Hikaru turned to look back at him, his eyes frozen. "Don't kill myself, you mean?" he asked mockingly. "He'd never forgive me. And that's the _only_ reason you don't have to worry about it."

"If there's anything I can do, to help you..." his father started, but Hikaru cut him off with a glare.

"Since you can't bring my twin back, there's exactly one thing you can do," he growled. "You can never speak to me again. I want nothing to do with you or mother."

Leaving his father stammering apologies. Hikaru stormed out of the room. His expression was icy, but inside his heart was shattering into a thousand tiny pieces. How could he go on without Kaoru?

Stumbling into the stair banister, he clung to the rail and stared blindly to the west. Whether he liked it or not, he was going to have to find out. Kaoru was gone, and nothing Hikaru did would bring him back.

With a choked cry, Hikaru fell to his knees and started to sob hopelessly again, while his entire world came crashing down around him.

* * *

Haruhi was in the midst of studying for an upcoming math exam when the doorbell rang. She was so absorbed in the intricate dance of variables and equations that she almost didn't hear it. She shook her head and looked up, blinking to clear her eyes. The clock on the wall said it was after ten at night. Her father would still be at work. Who else would come at this time of night?

Padding to the front door, she peered through the peephole and caught a glimpse of familiar ginger-coloured hair.

Surprised, she unlocked the door and opened it. It wasn't the first time members of the Host Club had visited her home unannounced, but it was unusual for any of them to come alone or so late. "Kaoru? What...?"

He looked up, and the depth of grief and agony in his eyes made the words catch in her throat. He didn't say anything, just stared at her unmoving. As if he wasn't quite sure how he'd gotten there or what he was supposed to do next.

He was also so deathly pale he looked like a ghost, and he was literally swaying on his feet. Appalled, she finally found her voice. "Gods! You look like you're about to faint. Come inside and sit down before you collapse."

She had to take his hand and actually tug him inside before he responded, and he moved like a broken robot. Gently she coaxed him into the main room and got him sitting at the kotatsu, his feet tucked under the heated table and a blanket wrapped snugly around his shoulders.

Standing beside him, Haruhi took stock of the situation. He still hadn't said anything, and he looked like he was badly in shock. How did you treat shock? Keep the victim warm; well, she'd done that. Maybe a hot drink would help?

"Wait a moment, I'll get you some coffee," she said, though she wasn't sure he heard her. As she ducked into the kitchen, she reflected that 'victim' seemed to be exactly the right word. If he was injured it wasn't visible, but the look in his eyes said his soul was slowly bleeding to death inside.

Shivering at the vivid mental image, Haruhi hurried through making the drink. When she brought it back to him he took it from her, but then sat there staring at the mug like he wasn't sure what to do with it.

Haruhi frowned. Instant coffee had been the twins' favoured drink since the time she'd innocently bought some for the club, and she'd never seen either of them pass up a chance to have it. "Kaoru, drink it," she prompted him. "It'll make you feel better."

Finally he made a sound, and she immediately wished he hadn't. It was a broken, grating laugh like nothing she'd ever heard before, as if glass shards were grinding together in his throat.

"Nothing is ever going to make me feel better again," he rasped, but he obediently tipped his head back and took a long swallow of the beverage.

When he was done he set the mug down on the table and wiped his mouth with a trembling hand. Kneeling beside him, Haruhi realized it wasn't just his hands that were shaking, it was his whole body.

She put a comforting hand on his shoulder, and it was as if that pressure broke him completely. He shuddered violently and hunched in on himself, hugging his arms tight to his body like he was trying to physically hold himself together.

"He's gone," Kaoru choked out. "Hikaru's gone."

Confused, Haruhi stroked his shoulder gently. "I don't understand. He's been gone for over two weeks." She knew Kaoru still hadn't been sleeping well - he'd been looking more wan and stressed with every day that went by. Had he finally snapped under the pressure, or was it something more?

"No, he _left_ two weeks ago," Kaoru corrected her harshly. "He's _gone_. Forever. There... there was an... an a-accident... _d-days_ ago, and nobody t-told me..."

Horror crept over Haruhi as she realized what he was saying. Hikaru was _gone_? Dead? "Oh, gods," she said faintly, her own grief for a good friend lost hitting her hard. "Oh, gods, no. Not Hikaru."

Kaoru sobbed, a heartbroken sound. "What am I going to _do_?" he whispered. "I was barely hanging on, knowing he would come for me... and now he never will." He sobbed again, tears falling to pool on the polished surface of the table.

Resolutely Haruhi forced her own sorrow aside to be dealt with later. Kaoru needed her right now. Carefully she gathered him into her arms, coaxing him to lean back against her, and finally he turned and buried his face in her shoulder as he began to cry in earnest.

She held him while he grieved, tears pouring over her own face as she rocked him the way she vaguely remembered her mother doing for her. She'd never thought she would see anyone more devastated than her father had been after her mother's death, but Kaoru was absolutely shattered.

"I don't believe it!" he burst out abruptly, pulling back to look at her. His expression was wild and there was more pain in his eyes than she ever wanted to see again. "I don't! He can't be gone, I can still feel him. He's _right there_!"

He flung his arm out, pointing directly to the east. "I can still feel him," he insisted, fresh tears running down his face.

"Oh, Kaoru." Heart breaking for him, Haruhi shook her head and didn't know what to say. "Maybe he is still there with you. I can't imagine he would go on without you."

He broke down again, and didn't fight her when she hugged him close once more. These weren't healing tears, and she didn't think those would come for a very long time.

But he couldn't sustain that level of grief forever, and eventually his sobs trailed off into hiccoughs and sniffles. He'd ended up curled against her chest and half draped over her lap, one hand fisted in the front of her shirt like he was clinging to a lifeline, his head resting on her other shoulder. He had his eyes closed, his breathing heavy and laboured, and his face was blotchy and red from all the crying. She didn't envy him the headache and sore eyes he undoubtedly had; her own were quite bad enough, and her emotional outpouring hadn't been anywhere near as violent as his.

He didn't move for so long that she thought he'd fallen asleep, and she wasn't sure what to do. He obviously desperately needed the rest, but they couldn't just sit there all night.

When he did speak it startled her. "Thank you," he murmured, voice hoarse. "I'm honestly not sure how I even ended up here, I just couldn't bear to stay in the house with _her_." His amber eyes were hard and cold as he sat up and rubbed at the tear tracks on his face. "This is all her fault. She sent him away, barely even gave us a chance to say goodbye, and then she didn't even _tell_ me until after he'd already been b-buried."

His voice faltered on the last word, but he swallowed hard and continued. "They didn't even bring him _home_ , just buried him there in LA. I can't even go to say goodbye." His eyes blazed with frozen fury. "She went too far. I'm not going back there, _ever_."

"Um..." Haruhi hesitated, not quite certain how to phrase what she wanted to say. The world the students at Ouran lived in was so far removed from the real world that the thought of any of them trying to survive away from their parents' wealth was like trying to imagine a fish living in a desert.

"What? You don't think I can handle living like a commoner?" he asked. He didn't smile - she had a feeling it would be a long time before she saw him smile again - but there was something in his expression that suggested dark amusement. "You're probably right. I have no intention of trying. My mother's concern for our precious family reputation is what got me to this point, so it can damned well get me out of it. I've already told her that she'll give me anything I want, or I'll take Kyoya's pictures of us and sell them to every tabloid I can find. And I'll make them believe it _is_ what it looks like."

Haruhi had to admire his deviousness, especially in the face of his overwhelming grief. He must not have truly started to fall apart until after he'd left home - until he'd reached somewhere he'd felt safe. And she was the one he'd come to. She'd have been flattered if she weren't so horrified by the whole thing.

"You should stay here tonight," she offered. "We don't have school tomorrow, I'll help you get things organized."

"Thank you," he said again, bowing his head. "I... I don't know what I'd do without you, Haruhi." He sighed, and hugged himself again. "I _hate_ being alone. I don't know how anyone can stand it. It's so awful. I've hardly slept - the room is so empty without him there."

"Would it help to at least have someone else with you?" she asked. "I was just studying for the math test, I can do that at the desk while you sleep, if you don't mind the light being on."

Some of the tension in his shoulders faded, and he looked relieved. "You don't mind?" he asked, looking up at her uncertainly. "I don't want to put you out or anything. I've just dropped in on you out of nowhere, dumping my problems on you..."

"That's what friends are for," she told him firmly. Standing, she offered him her hand. "Come on, we'll get you settled and then I'll study for a while longer."

He followed meekly after her. She felt a little strange bringing a boy to her tiny bedroom, and even stranger when he crawled beneath the covers of her futon. Kaoru looked a little lost lying there, curled beneath the blanket like a small child afraid of the dark, the circles under his eyes and the pale quality of his skin highlighted against the bright colours of her covers.

The next time she glanced over, just a few moments later, he was asleep. He clutched at the sheet next to him and his face said his dreams were anything but restful, but at least it was a step in the right direction. Sighing, Haruhi turned her attention back to her textbook and tried to study.

Of course, the moment she took her attention off helping Kaoru, her own grief came crashing down on her. Hikaru had been her friend too; she might not be suffering the crushing loss that Kaoru was, but it hurt nonetheless.

She cried as silently as she could, not wanting to wake Kaoru and burden him with the additional weight of her own pain. Tears stained the paper she'd been writing on, but she managed not to sob aloud.

At last she gave up on even trying to study. Quietly she put her books away and ducked into the bathroom to get ready for bed. When she came into the bedroom again, she carried an armful of blankets and pillows to make up a nest for herself.

To her surprise, Kaoru was awake, propped up on one forearm and rubbing at his bloodshot eyes. "Haruhi?" he said, his voice uncertain and shy. "Would you... no, here, give that to me, I'll sleep on the floor," he changed what he'd been going to say abruptly. "I'm not going to kick you out of your own bed."

She paused, looking from him to her bed and back again. She'd been to their house before, and it hadn't escaped her notice that there had only been one bed in their room. "It's big enough to share, if you like," she offered softly.

He looked away, unable to meet her eyes, and nodded miserably. Haruhi set the blankets aside and turned off the light as Kaoru scooted over to make room for her.

For long minutes they lay there rigidly, both uncertain of exactly how to proceed. Finally she reached out to gently touch his arm, and that seemed to be the sign he'd been waiting for. He pulled her into a tight hug, with her head on his shoulder this time. From this close Haruhi could feel the trembling in his body, hear the way his breath shuddered in his lungs as he fought not to break out sobbing again.

She hugged him back, and this time they cried together for the loss of someone who could never be replaced.


	4. Chapter 4

"It's a wonderful opportunity for my father," Haruhi repeated for at least the fourth time. "I haven't seen him this happy in a long time. And his new partner is really very sweet."

"But why do _you_ have to leave?" Tamaki asked plaintively, making mournful eyes at her. "Okinawa is so far away. I thought you were going to attend Ouran University with the rest of us?"

"Well, I was, but this changes things," Haruhi tried once more to explain. "My scholarship to Ouran only covers tuition, not living expenses. Father is waiting until I graduate high school next month, but I won't ask him to stay another four years." And there was no way she could afford to live on her own in Tokyo - even if she could find a part-time job, working would leave her no time to study and keep her grades high enough to keep her tuition scholarship.

"Is that all? But you could come and live with me!" Tamaki exclaimed, delighted. "We've got more than enough room. I'm sure I could get my father to agree."

Haruhi hid an internal wince. She was touched that he had offered, but she didn't want to end up living off the charity of her rich friends. She would earn her own way in life, or do nothing at all.

"Honestly, Lord," Kaoru drawled. "You've known her for three years and you still think you can get her to take anything from us as a gift?" He was watching the whole argument with an amused glint in his eyes.

"But..." Tamaki turned to Haruhi with a pleading expression.

"Thank you, Tamaki-senpai," she said, picking her words carefully. "I can't impose on you like that for so long. You've been so busy with your own studies now that you're in university, and I'd just be a distraction."

Looking thoughtful, Kyoya pushed his glasses up on his nose. "I might consider offering a loan as a business proposition. I'm confident in your ability to make good on it once you graduate. I'll even defer the interest payments for the duration of your schooling."

Haruhi laughed. "Kyoya-senpai, I know better than to get into any debt with you. It's only four years," she added to Tamaki. "I'll miss all of you, too, but I'm sure I'll end up back in Tokyo when I start working." And she _would_ miss them - her relationship with the former members of the Host Club had started under very odd circumstances, but the friendships formed had long outlasted the disbanding of the club.

Kyoya smiled back at her. "Ah, well. You can't blame me for trying. Still, it will be a shame to lose your talents from our little group."

"It's only four years," she repeated firmly, and changed the subject.

Later, Kaoru caught her on her way out of the study session. "You don't really _want_ to leave, do you?"

"Of course not." Haruhi sighed. "You're my best friend, you should know that better than anyone." She reached out and touched his arm. "Are you upset with me for leaving you?"

In the two and a half years since Hikaru's death, Haruhi had become very close to Kaoru. He'd latched onto her, not exactly as a substitute for Hikaru but simply out of a desperate fear of being left alone. Most people assumed they were dating because Haruhi spent so many nights in Kaoru's apartment, but in some ways their relationship was too intimate for a romantic involvement. Besides which, if they'd allowed it to go in that direction and the relationship had failed, Haruhi was afraid of the devastation Kaoru would have suffered.

She was worried that her moving would have a similar effect, but at least they could remain close through communication. And it wasn't like he couldn't afford to fly down and visit her at every opportunity.

"I'm not upset," he shook his head, but the look in his eyes put the lie to his words. "I'm just going to miss you like crazy." He caught her hand in his, and squeezed her fingers.

"You'll manage," she assured him. But the truth was, she was worried that he wouldn't. He could still be unbearably fragile at times; she would catch him staring off into the east, his eyes distant and grieving, and she knew there was a part of him that might never let go of Hikaru. If he couldn't let go, he would never be able to heal.

"Stay with me tonight?" he asked, and she nodded. He still didn't sleep well without her there, and she had a feeling she'd be spending most of the next month at his place.

He glanced down at her, a sort of shy hesitancy in his eyes. That surprised her; they'd gotten over any shyness between them a long time ago. "You know, you could just move in with me," he suggested. "There's more than enough room, and you spend half your time there anyway. Hell, you've even got your own closet already." His expression softened and the corner of his mouth curled up, the closest he ever got to an outright smile these days.

She laughed at his teasing. "Kaoru, if I can't afford a cramped little student room somewhere, I certainly can't afford to share _your_ rent. And you're the one who reminded Tamaki that I don't take charity, so I certainly hope you weren't suggesting anything else."

"It's not charity." He stopped and pulled her around to face him, looking her straight in the eyes. "Haruhi, I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for you. I'd have broken a long time ago and we both know it. How can anything I do for you ever be charity? It's just part payment on a debt that can never _be_ repaid." He gave her that tiny smile again. "Besides, I love you and I want you to be happy. Admit it, as crazy as you think we are, you've gotten used to having us around. You'd be bored out of your mind in a week in Okinawa."

Exasperated, she shook her head at him. "Isn't this the argument you used to get me to let you pay for dinner every time?" He nodded. "And to convince me to let you buy me 'a few' new clothes, 'since I stay at your place so often anyway'?" He nodded again, the smile growing a little wider. "How many times are you going to use this same argument?"

"Until it stops working," he said. He managed an innocent expression, but there was more than a hint of his old mischief in his eyes. For that alone she was tempted to give in.

But it was the principle of the thing, damn it. Letting him pay for dinner or buy her a few clothes was one thing - even if his definition of 'a few' differed drastically from hers. Allowing him to support her entirely was another matter.

"Think about it," he urged her. "Haruhi, I promise not to pressure you, I won't even bring it up again. But my overhead costs for the apartment are the same whether or not you live there, food costs wouldn't increase that much since I always pay when you eat with me anyway, and I really, truly am doing this for selfish reasons, not out of charity or pity. I don't want to give you up."

"Well..." Haruhi considered it. He did have a point. He also looked just a little too smug. "You've been planning this all along, haven't you?" she accused him. "That's why you worked so hard to get me to let you do all those things for me, so I wouldn't be able to object now."

"Who, me?" Kaoru smiled again, a little brighter still. "Well, maybe. Planning your moves in advance is good strategy, and I knew you'd leave some day. I thought I had until the end of university, though. I wasn't quite ready yet, which is why you're still hesitating at all."

"You!" Laughing again, because she just couldn't manage to be angry with him, she smacked his shoulder with her free hand. "You are incorrigible. I'll think about it."

But she already knew in her heart of hearts what her answer would be. She _didn't_ want to leave and have to start all over again in a strange place far from her friends. To be honest, after spending so long in the rarefied atmosphere of Ouran, Haruhi was a little afraid she wouldn't fit into the 'real world' anymore. And Kaoru, damn him, had gotten her addicted to the little luxuries that came simply from spending so much time with him.

That night as she lay in his bed, with Kaoru curled around her from behind and his breath gusting gently over the back of her neck, she let herself really consider it. Could this be 'their' bed, 'their' apartment?

It wasn't that hard to imagine. In some ways, it already was. And this way they could both be happy - Haruhi could stay in the place she thought of as 'home' and Kaoru wouldn't have to face being alone.

"All right," she gave in to the inevitable. "I'll stay here with you. Be prepared for my father to assume the worst," she added with some amusement. There was no way she'd be able to convince him she wasn't sleeping with Kaoru if she moved in.

He chuckled softly, a sound she didn't get to hear nearly often enough, and she treasured it. "I'll handle your father," he said. "He likes me well enough." He hugged her a little tighter for a moment. "Thank you."

She tucked herself more closely against him instead of answering, and closed her eyes. The familiar feel of his body against hers was comforting. The truth was that these days she didn't sleep well alone, either.

"I love you," she murmured, not even certain he was still awake to hear her.

He shifted, his arm tightening again. "Love you," he mumbled back, clearly more than half asleep.

As always, she refused to even wonder if he knew he was talking to her, or was dreaming of Hikaru.

* * *

Honey was the last one out the door, bouncing along behind Mori like a puppy on a sugar-high. Which probably wasn't an inaccurate comparison, considering how much cake the diminutive man had eaten.

Closing the door, Kaoru leaned against it and heaved a deep, relieved sigh. He appreciated his friends, and it had been a fun party, but he wasn't sad to see the last of them for the day.

Across the room Haruhi was fanning herself with one of the leftover paper plates. The burden of organizing the party had fallen mostly on her, since it had been her idea to have a 'commoner' theme for the food and decorations. Kaoru had to admit that the disposable plates and cutlery made it easier to clean up, and it had been a unique experience.

Their eyes met, and Haruhi started to laugh. "You look like you're wishing we'd all forgotten your birthday," she told him.

He chuckled wearily. "We don't often get everyone in one place any more. I'd forgotten how rowdy we can get. And _we_ don't have servants to do the dirty work like the others."

And, the reason he would never admit - having everyone together made Hikaru's absence feel that much more obvious. It had been an effort not to spend half the night looking over his shoulder for his twin. Especially at a celebration for their birthday. Kaoru knew that no matter what else happened, at this time of year he would always miss his twin with an ache so strong it was agony.

"I'm going to clean up in the kitchen," Haruhi announced. "Can you take care of everything out here?"

"Yeah, sure," Kaoru nodded, and pushed away from the door. Not having servants was by far the biggest adjustment he'd had to make by leaving home, but after nearly four years he rarely even thought about it anymore. He wasn't sure if that was Haruhi being a good influence on him, or a bad one.

It only took him a few minutes to dump all the plates and leftovers into a garbage bag, but then he had to hunt down the shreds of wrapping paper and straighten up the mess that had been left by Honey's hyperactivity.

Reaching the shelves, he paused despite himself and picked up the large framed photo that sat front and centre. It was one of the last pictures of Hikaru and him that had been taken for the Host Club; not a posed shot but a candid one, of the two of them with their arms slung over each other's shoulders, looking at something off camera. They were laughing, faces open and bright, and identical mischievous looks in their eyes.

"Happy birthday, Hikaru," he whispered, throat closing up. He would be twenty tomorrow. But Hikaru would remain forever sixteen in his mind, and Kaoru looked a little less identical to him with every year that passed. Eventually he knew he would look in the mirror and it wouldn't be Hikaru looking back any more, just himself. Kaoru dreaded that day.

Slender arms wound around his waist, and Haruhi embraced him from behind. "You're staring east again," she said. Her voice was soft and gentle, and so full of understanding that it almost undid him.

"Aren't I always?" he asked wryly, somehow managing to keep his voice mostly steady. "He should be here, today. I can still feel him out there, Haruhi. Damn it, he should be here, too." She held him tighter, but said nothing. "I'm sorry," he said, turning in her arms and hugging her back. "You know I'm always moody near our... near my birthday."

"I know. It's okay." She held an envelope out to him. "Happy birthday, Kaoru."

With as much of a smile as he could manage, Kaoru took it. "What's this?" Opening it, he pulled out two airline tickets, and looked at her in surprise. He'd successfully argued her out of trying to find a job and 'pay her part', saying that she should spend the time studying. But since he still couldn't get her to use _his_ money for anything non-essential, the side effect was that she had very little spending money. "Please tell me you haven't emptied your savings for these."

"No, actually, I paid for them with your credit card," she admitted.

The look on her face was guileless, and Kaoru immediately scented a trap. He'd had that exact look on his face - and seen it on Hikaru's - too often not to recognize it for what it was. "Not that I'm objecting, because I've been telling you for over a year that you're welcome to do exactly that. But why the sudden change of heart?"

"Because you're right that I couldn't afford them on my own," Haruhi said. "Especially since I can't quite picture you flying economy. But your present isn't the tickets. It's the fact that I'm going to make you go."

"What?" Confused, Kaoru looked at the tickets more closely, and felt the blood drain from his face. "Los Angeles? Haruhi..."

"Kaoru, you have to do this," she said, folding her fingers over his to hold them closed before he could drop the tickets. "You never got the chance to say goodbye, and I know it still bothers you. Please."

"I can't," he said, teeth gritted against the wave of pain that threatened to swamp him. "I can't, don't ask this of me."

She looked up at him, and he couldn't even get mad at her. There was nothing but love and concern in her eyes. "You have to. You _have_ to at least begin the process of healing, Kaoru. You know I understand better than anyone how much you miss him. I'm _not_ trying to say you should forget him. Just that you need to say goodbye."

"I can't!" he burst out, wrenching his hands away from her and flinging the tickets down as if they'd burned him. "Don't you see? If I go, if I see the grave, it'll make it..." He stopped himself abruptly, trembling.

"Real?" she finished for him. "That's why you have to go, Kaoru. Deep down, there's still a part of you that doesn't really believe it."

"How can I?" Frustrated, Kaoru threw his arm out, pointing. "He's _right there_ , Haruhi. It's been almost four years and I can still feel him just as clearly as the day he got on the plane. Yes, all right, damn it; I still don't believe it. Not really, not in my soul."

She picked up the tickets and reached towards him again, but didn't make contact. She left it up to him whether he wanted that connection. "Maybe if you see it for yourself, it will stop haunting you. And the truth is, I want a chance to say goodbye too, but I don't think I can face it alone."

Kaoru looked at her, at the sincere grief and need in her eyes. He couldn't do it for himself, couldn't bear to take that final, irrevocable step. But could he deny _her_ the chance for healing that she needed, after everything she'd done for him?

"I don't even know where he is, or what they did with his body," he said. He'd never been able to bring himself to ask his mother for the details.

"I called your mother last week and asked," she replied, ruining his attempt to stall for time. "The flight is tomorrow - it seemed like a good idea to do it quickly, if we're going to do it at all."

There was wisdom in that, Kaoru acknowledged. If he agreed, a long wait would only have given him an opportunity to chicken out. It meant he'd be seeing the grave on their birthday, thanks to the time zone difference, and that just made the thought even worse.

Torn between two opposing needs, Kaoru couldn't make the decision. He owed Haruhi everything, and wanted to help her. And the logical part of him knew she was right, that he needed this closure. But his soul was screaming in denial. It felt like he was somehow betraying Hikaru by even considering it.

"I'll be right there with you," she promised him. "Please, Kaoru. I can't do it alone."

"I... I... I just... I can't make the decision," he finally said wretchedly. "You're right, I know you're right... but it hurts too much."

"Then, just this once, there's a way to deal with that." She tipped her head towards the couch, and he saw with surprise that she'd put out a full bottle of vodka on the coffee table. Neither of them drank - Kaoru had been too afraid that the lure of drunken oblivion would be too tempting, and Haruhi had seemed to agree.

As she'd said, though; just this once, maybe it would be okay. He laughed, a sharp sound that had nothing to do with mirth. "All right. If you can get me drunk enough to agree, I'll let you hold me to it. But I won't make it easy for you."

"You're on," she agreed, and placed the tickets by the photograph before she moved to pour the first drink. "And if you can drink me under the table, I won't ask you again."

He eyed her in disbelief. She was maybe two-thirds his body mass, and as far as he knew she had no more experience with drinking than he did. Maybe less. This couldn't be too hard. "Bottoms up," he said, and took his place beside her on the couch.

Getting drunk proved to be ridiculously easy. Kaoru had experienced it before - something as simple as age laws had never stopped him and Hikaru from anything they wanted to do. But it had been a long time ago, and he wasn't at all the same person he'd been then.

Haruhi seemed perfectly capable of keeping up with him, though she wasn't any _less_ drunk. The more Kaoru drank, the easier it was to distance himself from his pain, and the more he knew she was right. He needed to do this, needed that moment of closure. Avoiding it wasn't fair to him or to Haruhi. He knew she would stay with him until he died if he asked it of her, all without ever asking for anything for herself. She deserved better.

"I'll do it," he finally gave in, his hand shaking so much he was afraid he would spill his drink. He swallowed it in one long gulp and set the glass aside before he could drop it. The vodka burned going down in a way it hadn't since the first two shots - or maybe that was the emotional agony that not even the alcohol could block completely.

She said nothing, just set down her own drink and reached for him, pulling him close. Kaoru buried his face in her soft hair and breathed deeply of her scent, absorbing the steady, solid presence of her. She was here, and that meant he wouldn't have to face it by himself. Neither of them would have to be alone.

That night they had sex for the first time, a desperate reaching out that ended with him deep inside her, clutching at her like the lifeline that she was. Watching her face as he brought her to orgasm was a bit like holding a fragile piece of hope.

Maybe, just maybe, she was right. Maybe facing the truth wouldn't be the end of him after all, but the beginning of something else.


	5. Chapter 5

The courage and numbness provided by the alcohol had long since worn off by the time Kaoru stood before the cemetery gates nearly two days later. He stared at the discreet engraved plaque that announced the name of the graveyard. Like everything else in the area it screamed money and high class. Kaoru still wasn't sure why his parents had chosen to bury his twin in the American style and on American soil, but at least they hadn't skimped on him.

Thinking about inane details was the only thing that kept Kaoru from turning tail and running. That, and the tight grip Haruhi had on his hand. "I can't," he said brokenly, trying to pull away. "I can't, Haruhi, I can't." Now that the moment of truth had arrived, he just couldn't go through with it.

She looked deep into his eyes, and finally nodded. "All right. You wait here, I'll be back soon." Haruhi took a deep breath and released his hand, squared her shoulders, and walked through the gates without him.

Watching her go, Kaoru swallowed hard. Damn it, he couldn't leave her to say goodbye alone. "Wait!" Somehow he managed to make his body move, to put one foot in front of the other and continue to repeat the movement until he was walking through the gates. He shuddered as he passed through the wrought-iron entrance, feeling as if some sort of doom cloud was settling over him the further he went.

She paused and waited for him to catch up, and smiled at him in relief as he took her hand again. "We'll do it together," he said, trying to ignore the way his voice was shaking.

"The same way we face everything else," she agreed, and started walking again. Kaoru trailed along, one step behind her like a forlorn puppy.

They hadn't talked about what had happened the night of his birthday party, but it was less like avoidance and more of a tacit agreement that they needed to deal with this first. That Kaoru needed to deal with it, really. He clung to the memory of how it had felt to be inside her body, of the look in her eyes during and afterwards. It served as a reminder that there was still something for him to look forward to no matter how much this hurt.

"There," she said suddenly, breaking him out of his thoughts. She pointed at an elegantly simple marble headstone just ahead of them, and Kaoru felt his blood run cold. Even with her fingers laced tightly through his, Haruhi felt distant and unreachable, and the only thing Kaoru could focus on was the marker that meant his four-year nightmare was true after all.

The letters of the name were deeply and clearly engraved in both English and kanji. Kaoru read it before he could stop himself, each symbol burning its way into his heart like acid. Hitachiin Hikaru. There was no epitaph, only the two dates, but just seeing his twin's name etched into the cold stone was enough to break through the walls Kaoru had painstakingly built between himself and his grief. Suddenly the loss felt as fresh as it had the day he'd first been told, and he collapsed to his knees in tears.

Afraid his grief would literally tear him to pieces, Kaoru screamed a wordless denial at the setting sun. It hurt too much to bear, he couldn't face it. It was going to break him just like he'd known it would.

" _HIKARU!_ " Making a fist, Kaoru pounded at the gravestone as if he could batter it into giving his brother back. His hand bruised against the unyielding marble, but he hardly noticed the pain.

Something caught at his hand and stopped him from hurting himself further, and he finally registered the sound of Haruhi calling his name. Sobbing, he collapsed into her arms and let her hold him.

"Kaoru, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she murmured over and over in his ear. "I didn't mean to hurt you so much, I'm sorry. I didn't understand."

It was a long time before he even tried to answer her, afraid that if he spoke he would just start screaming again. "It's not your fault," he finally rasped. He turned away, unable to face the name on the tombstone any longer. "You were trying to help. And you're right in principle, I just..."

His voice broke, and he shuddered. "Shh," she rocked him like a small child. "You've faced it now, and I didn't realize _how_ badly it would hurt you but at least you've taken that step. It will never be any harder than it is right this moment."

She was right. This was the worst he could possibly feel, the hardest thing to accept. It could only get easier from here. But it would be a long, hard road.

Resolutely he hauled himself to his feet and offered her a hand up, still refusing to look at the grave. He'd seen it once; that was more than enough. "Thank you," he said softly.

"Then it helped a little?" she asked hopefully.

"Yeah, much as it doesn't feel like it right now." Automatically Kaoru checked for his sense of his brother, wondering if she was right and he wouldn't feel so haunted now that he'd forced himself to face the truth. But his head turned unerringly towards the place where he could feel Hikaru. If anything, the pull was stronger now.

"That's not east," she told him, puzzled. He looked blankly at her, and she gestured to the horizon where the last of the light was dying. "You were looking west this time."

He blinked, and realized she was right. He was staring straight into the setting sun, back towards Japan. "So have I been wrong all this time, then?" he wondered, his throat closing up. "Just looking in the direction I knew he'd last been?"

She touched his arm. "Or maybe you're just sensing that he is still with you, like I said in the beginning. Maybe the change in direction means _he's_ moving on, now that you're finally going to be okay."

"Maybe." Kaoru had a feeling she was humouring him, but he didn't call her on it. "Let's get out of here."

They walked hand in hand back to where the cab was still waiting. Every step felt to Kaoru like he was leaving something important behind, but he forced himself to keep walking.

"What do you want to do now?" Haruhi asked. "It's after nine, the sun sets late here. Should we just go back to the hotel and sleep?"

"It's the middle of the day in Tokyo," Kaoru replied. "I don't know about you, but I'm wide awake." She nodded, and an impulsive urge seized him. "Let's go out. We'll find the craziest, most interesting place we can - this is Los Angeles, there's got to be clubs all over the place. And we'll dance until they kick us out, keep our minds off it." It was the sort of thing Hikaru would have suggested - it seemed fitting to remember his brother that way.

She looked startled. "Okay, if you're up to it. But we didn't bring any clubbing clothes."

"So? We're tourists," Kaoru said, ignoring the question of whether he was up to it. He'd make himself be. "Let's go party like _he_ would want to."

* * *

Sipping at his drink, Hikaru scanned the crowd. It was the same group of people as always, dressed in their darkest finery and doing their best to pretend they were enjoying themselves. As much as a goth could be said to enjoy anything.

Hikaru fit right in, and so he should - he'd been one of them since he'd first stumbled across a club like this one when he was seventeen. He liked the darkness, the way they thumbed their noses at a world that said they had to be permanently cheerful to fit in. Hikaru embraced the idea that death was something to be fascinated by rather than terrified of - it was the only thing that kept him believing that Kaoru was out there somewhere, waiting patiently for Hikaru to join him.

Tonight he was seriously wishing he'd stayed home, though. He'd been afraid that he might brood himself into doing something drastic if he was alone, but today of all days he couldn't stand being around other people. Watching them made him all the more aware that he was alone, and at the same time the feeling that he could turn his head and spot his twin in the crowd if he just looked hard enough haunted him.

He started to automatically glance over his shoulder, but stopped himself before he could get far. As long as he didn't look, he could cling to the illusion. The E he'd taken earlier helped, making him feel disconnected from his pain, but it wasn't quite enough. Sighing, Hikaru drained his drink and went back for more.

The sound of his name in a nearby conversation drew his attention. "Did you _see_ what Hikaru is wearing tonight? He looks like he dressed in the dark. From someone else's closet. What's up with that?"

"Hey," he protested, drifting closer. The girl speaking was Rosalind, a friend inasmuch as he had any friends, and she was talking to her boyfriend Ravyn. "I'm not dressed _that_ badly." He hadn't taken as much care with his clothes and appearance as he usually did, but he wasn't totally unpresentable.

"Hikaru?" Rosalind looked at him, wide-eyed. "Did you change clothes?"

"Since I saw you last? Yes," Hikaru drawled, raising an eyebrow at her. "I'm really getting hooked on this new idea of changing at least once a week. Shameful, I know, but that's just how it is."

"I mean, in the last five minutes," she said, rolling her eyes. "I could have _sworn_ I saw you over by the door just now, dressed like a tourist. It was really surreal."

Hikaru spread his arms, silently indicating his clothing. He looked like any one of a number of goth boys in the club, certainly not like a tourist.

"Well, they say everyone has a twin out there somewhere," Ravyn chuckled.

"Yeah. Everyone but me," Hikaru said, his tone coming out more bitter than he'd intended.

"Oh? What makes you so unique, then?" Ravyn asked. Hikaru clenched his fists and struggled not to say something he'd regret later. He was so on edge that he longed for the excuse to mouth off and start something, just to get his mind off what was really hurting him. But he didn't want to alienate two of the only people he spent his time with.

Some of his thoughts must have shown on his face, because Rosalind nudged Ravyn. "Don't tease him tonight, he's in a _mood_."

"Half the people here are in a 'mood'," Ravyn replied. "Though usually more melancholy than angry."

"Give me another couple of drinks, you'll see plenty of melancholy," Hikaru muttered, forcing his hands to relax. "Don't mind me, guys. It's just a bad day to expect me to be good company."

"So? Then come dance with me, and I'll take your mind off it," Rosalind commanded, holding her hand out to him. "Ravyn, you fetch us drinks."

Hikaru took her hand and swept her a dramatic bow. "As my lady wishes." Dancing with her would at least keep his mind off thoughts of his twin.

She was a good dancer, and keeping up with her took all his energy and concentration. By the time Rosalind tired and they found Ravyn and their drinks, though, Hikaru was sick of being sociable again. "I'm heading to the back room, guys. My head is splitting and the music isn't helping."

Rosalind clucked her tongue. "You're not supposed to suffer the hangover until the morning _after_ , darling. If you get bored, we'll be on the dance floor."

Hikaru raised a hand in acknowledgement, and went in search of a quieter corner. The second room of the club was intended as a more restful area for patrons to congregate, enjoy their drinks, and take a break from the pounding music. He didn't usually spend much time there, preferring the frenetic energy of the dance floor and bar, but tonight he just couldn't handle the crowd.

There were more people than usual crammed into the room, he noted in dismay as he entered. Still, it was quieter than the other room, so he looked for a vacant chair he could claim.

"Hanashite!" The sound of his native tongue drew Hikaru's attention to the nearest corner, where one of the punks had backed a girl against the wall. She was obviously a tourist, dressed in bright street clothes that made her stand out like a jaybird in the proverbial murder of crows. She was struggling to get away from the grip the punk had on her upper arm, and Hikaru was amused to note her expression held only disgust and anger, not fear.

Gutsy or not, she didn't have a chance against the bigger man unless she did something nasty and started a fight. Hikaru didn't particularly want to get drawn into a bar brawl, but the last thing the goth community needed was a tourist going home with stories of how violent and disreputable they were. He made his way over and casually tapped the punk on the shoulder. "Hey. The lady said to let her go."

The bruiser looked over his shoulder, and his expression said clearly that he didn't think Hikaru was much of a threat. Hikaru was tall for a Japanese man, but the punk topped him by a couple of inches and was far more muscled. "Mind your own business, emo boy," the punk sneered.

Hikaru smiled, and it wasn't a friendly smile. For a moment he let his eyes show the yawning cavern where half of his soul should have been. It was something he'd gotten good at disguising, because it disturbed even the goths to see someone so very empty. It had also won him more than a few fights without a single punch being thrown, because it said more clearly than words that he had absolutely nothing to lose.

The punk blinked, reassessed his initial assumptions about Hikaru, and apparently decided it wasn't worth risking. "She's all yours," he declared, releasing the girl. "She ain't worth it anyway."

Hikaru continued to watch the man as he moved away, until the punk had disappeared into the crowd. Then his wrestled his civilized mask back into place and turned to the girl.

She was pretty enough, clearly Japanese with long, shining dark hair and expressive brown eyes. Those eyes were approximately the size of dinner plates as she stared at him, one hand over her mouth as if to keep from crying out. Wondering what he'd done to earn that level of astonishment, Hikaru raised an eyebrow at her. Was she just startled that one of the scary goths had actually come to her rescue, or had the emptiness he'd shown shaken her more deeply than it did most people?

"Are you okay? Miss?" She didn't answer or respond other than to blink, and he wondered if maybe she didn't speak any English at all. "Daijoubu ka?" Damn, now he was starting to regret getting himself involved. The last thing he wanted tonight was to end up stuck shepherding a lost tourist around.

Then she seemed to gather her wits enough to speak, and startled him half out of his skin. "Hi... Hikaru?"

He stared at her, confused. "Do I know you?" he asked, switching to Japanese automatically. Then he finally recognized the shape of a girl he'd once known in the woman before him, and his eyes went as wide as hers. " _Haruhi?_ "


	6. Chapter 6

Haruhi stared at her rescuer as the punk backed off, her mind spinning in helpless little circles. He looked nothing like her memory of him - older, his hair dyed black and worn long, his face too thin as if he'd hardly eaten a thing since she'd seen him last. If she'd walked past him in a crowd, she'd never have recognized him.

But those haunted, beautiful amber eyes - how could she mistake them? She'd seen them almost every day for the last four years, looking back at her from an eerily similar face.

"Hi... Hikaru?" she stammered, hardly able to get the name out. It was impossible, it had to be some kind of freakish coincidence. Someone who happened to resemble the twins, in which case she'd better keep Kaoru away or he would have a heart attack. He'd had enough strain related to his brother for the night.

But her rescuer pulled back in surprise. "Do I know you?" he asked in Japanese. He peered at her carefully for a long moment before his eyes widened. " _Haruhi_? Holy shit, is that you?"

While she struggled to accept this incontrovertible proof of his identity, he brightened and gave her a not-quite-smile. If she'd had any remaining doubts, that smile would have banished them. It was exactly a match for Kaoru's.

"Wow, what are you doing here?" he asked. "This is the _last_ place... no, you know what?" The corners of his mouth tipped up a little further. "I take that back. Somehow it doesn't actually surprise me to find you in a goth club. But what are you doing in LA? Visiting?"

"I... we..." Haruhi couldn't quite get her tongue to work.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," he told her, amused.

At last Haruhi managed to say something relatively coherent. "I have. I am!" It couldn't be him, it couldn't be... and yet it was. How could this have happened? She tried to picture Hikaru deliberately leaving Kaoru to suffer like that, and failed.

Her words made the smile fade from his face, his expression now one of bitter grief - and that was an expression she knew far too well from Kaoru, as well. "Yeah, I know what you mean, believe me. No matter how much I change the way I look, I still see him every time I look in the mirror."

He glanced away, his eyes distant - and he was looking straight towards the door to the bar, where Kaoru had gone to get drinks. It didn't take a genius to know what he was thinking, and Haruhi swallowed a half-hysterical giggle. If only he knew how close his twin really was.

Visibly shaking off his melancholy, Hikaru turned back to her with another small smile. " _Damn_ , but it's good to see you again. I should've kept in touch but it just hurt too much to have anything that reminded me of him, you know?" His smile turned wry. "Staying here in America may be the one part of this whole fuck-up that my dad got right. So who are you here with, anyone I know?" He started peering through the crowd. "Tamaki? How is our Idiot Lord these days?"

Haruhi was still struggling to find words to explain the situation when Kaoru solved her problem for her. "Haruhi," he called, loud enough to be heard over the general noise of the crowd. "Where'd you go?"

Helplessly she looked at Hikaru, who had gone absolutely motionless. She wasn't sure if it was shock or disbelief that held him still, but he looked like he was afraid the illusion would shatter if he so much as breathed. And he hadn't even seen Kaoru yet, just heard his brother's voice. Haruhi was a little afraid that the imminent meeting would break him - would break both of them, for that matter.

There was nothing for it but to take the plunge, and do her best to pick up the pieces afterwards. Swallowing hard, she raised her voice. "Over here."

"There you are. Why'd you move?" Kaoru asked as he pushed through the crowd, two glasses in his hands. "I almost couldn't... find... you..." He trailed off, his eyes drawn to the man in front of Haruhi, but it appeared to be taking his conscious mind a moment to catch on to what his subconscious had already realized, as startled by the radical changes in Hikaru's appearance as Haruhi had been.

Hikaru had no such identification problems. " _K-Kaoru?_ he choked out. Now he was the one who looked like he'd seen a ghost, staring in stunned disbelief at his twin.

The glasses fell from Kaoru's hands to shatter on the floor as his brain finally made the connection. "Hi-Hika- _Hikaru_?" He looked just as incredulous as his brother.

Totally oblivious to the attention drawn by the breaking glass and raised voices, they slowly reached out to each other in a mirror-image gesture. When their hands met in the middle, tears started to run down Kaoru's cheeks and it looked like Hikaru belatedly remembered to breathe.

"Are you real?" Hikaru demanded, dazed.

"Are you?" Kaoru countered. They stared into each other's eyes, speechless. Haruhi pressed both hands against her mouth to keep from sobbing, unwilling to distract them from each other for even a moment. They'd already had far too many moments lost.

"They told me you were dead!" both of them said on the same breath. Identical looks of shock and anger crossed their faces.

"They wouldn't have," Kaoru growled, outraged.

"Oh, yes they would have," Hikaru countered, his voice equally low and dangerous. "They heard the promise I made to you. They had to know they couldn't keep us apart for long."

"But this...!" Kaoru protested, white-faced. "I thought... it was..." He shuddered, and his tears came faster. "It was the most horrible thing I've ever felt," he finally whispered, lowering his eyes. "I thought I would die without you."

Hikaru pulled him into a fiercely protective hug, his eyes blazing. "I _never_ really believed it," he said viciously. "I knew you couldn't really be gone."

"I know." Kaoru gave a watery laugh, the closest thing to a real laugh Haruhi had heard from him in a very long time. "I could still feel you, always, and I just could never move past that."

Haruhi couldn't quite stifle her gasp of horrified realization, and it drew their attention to her. They both blinked in a way that suggested they'd forgotten she was even there.

Desperately, she tried to find words to apologize for something unforgivable. "I'm sorry," she choked out. "Kaoru, I'm so sorry!"

Puzzled, he smiled at her, and for the first time in four years it held more than just a hint of its former brilliance. "Haruhi, what on earth are you apologizing for?"

She gestured helplessly at Hikaru. "All these years, I never believed you when you said you could feel him," she confessed, tears running down her face as well. "I thought you were just clinging to a ghost, but you were right all along."

He laughed, truly laughed, and let go of Hikaru with one hand to reach for her. "Haruhi, you've got nothing to be sorry for," he told her firmly. "If you hadn't been there to keep me together, I would never have made it this far. You couldn't have known I wasn't just being hysterical."

"Still, I..." Haruhi struggled for words and couldn't find any, and finally had to settle for just shaking her head helplessly. When she thought of the pain and agony she'd inflicted on Kaoru just that night, let alone over the years.... how could their family have done this to them? To go so far as even creating a grave...

"It's all right," he insisted, his smile brighter than it had been in years. "Everything is all right, finally." She couldn't help but smile back at him, his grin as infectious as it had ever been.

* * *

Hikaru watched the two of them, and bitter jealousy surged in his heart. Not for the way Haruhi smiled at Kaoru through her tears, because Hikaru's crush on her had faded into a treasured memory a long time ago. It was the way Kaoru looked back at her that made Hikaru's throat burn, because it was obvious that his twin had effectively replaced him by clinging to Haruhi.

Swallowing hard, he told himself not to be stupid. He should be glad that Kaoru had had her for support, should be grateful that his brother hadn't suffered quite as much as Hikaru had.

Perceptive as always, Haruhi looked at him and there was regret and apology in her eyes. "Why don't we go somewhere we can talk a little more privately?" she suggested, looking around at their avid audience. Hikaru grimaced at the reminder of the existence of the rest of the world. At least most of the people here wouldn't have been able to understand the Japanese conversation.

"Come back to my place," he said, tugging his brother towards the door. "It's not much by our family's standards, but it's private."

"Maybe I should go back to our hotel and wait there?" Haruhi asked Kaoru, following them out. "You two have so much catching up to do, I'll only be in the way."

Kaoru looked uncertainly at him, and Hikaru sighed to himself. "No, you come too," he said, bowing to the inevitable. "You're a part of this, and I want to hear everything."

Just before they reached the door Hikaru spotted Ravyn again, and a moment later he heard Rosalind's triumphant shout over the music. "I told you," she declared, pushing through the crowd to meet him. She pointed at Kaoru. "Didn't I tell you there was a tourist who looked just like you? I'm not crazy."

"No, you're not," Hikaru agreed. Then he shocked her speechless by giving her a huge smile. "He's my twin brother, back from the dead."

"You're the one who was dead," Kaoru laughed, the sound half hysterical relief. Hikaru knew exactly how he felt.

Gaping, Rosalind stared at him blankly for a moment before she finally found her voice. "Okay, what are you on and who gave it to you? I want to avoid them."

He chuckled, and if the way Haruhi was smiling was any indication, he probably had something approximating his old evil grin on his face. "I'll tell you all the details later," he promised. "Right now we've got four years of catching up to do."

* * *

Haruhi looked curiously around the apartment when Hikaru flicked the lights on. Despite the much lower housing cost in America, the apartment was neither as large nor as nice as the one she shared with Kaoru. Either Hikaru hadn't been as aggressive about blackmailing his father for money, or he was spending it elsewhere.

"Um. Do you guys want drinks or something?" Now that they'd gotten back to his place, Hikaru seemed to be at something of a loss. He hardly took his eyes off Kaoru, as if afraid his twin would vanish if he so much as blinked.

Kaoru didn't seem any more certain of what to do with himself, hovering nervously near the door. "Sure?" He glanced at Haruhi as if asking what he should do, and she shrugged helplessly. It was painful to see the two of them so awkward with each other. It was worse than watching two strangers, because the memory of their easy synchronicity hung between them like a ghost.

Fumbling with the glasses he'd pulled out of the cupboard, Hikaru dropped one and it shattered at his feet. "Fuck! Damn it," he swore, hastily setting the other two on the counter. Only then did Haruhi realize how badly his hands were trembling, and her heart squeezed.

"Don't move, just point at where you keep your broom," she told him, mindful of the fact that he was now standing in his sock feet surrounded by glass shards. "I'll take care of it."

Hikaru gestured at a cupboard with one hand, pressing the heel of the other against one eye. "Sorry guys, I don't seem to be all that with it at the moment."

"Are you all right?" Kaoru asked softly, coming as close as the shattered glass would allow him and watching his twin with worried eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Hikaru waved his other hand. "I'm just crashing hard tonight, and I think the shock isn't helping. I'll be okay once it's all out of my system."

"Out of your system?" Kaoru repeated, surprised. Haruhi looked up to see him leaning closer to peer into his brother's eyes. "Hikaru, are you _high_ on something?"

Haruhi was no less surprised. Kaoru had always so assiduously avoided alcohol or anything like that, and she'd expected Hikaru would be the same.

Seeing the shock - and probably the censure - in their expressions, Hikaru's face darkened. "Don't you _dare_ judge me," he hissed at Kaoru, furious. "You've had Haruhi and the others to keep you in one piece, you said so yourself. I've had _nothing_ , understand? So don't you dare look at me like that!"

Stunned by the sudden onslaught, Kaoru stepped back with wide eyes and his hands up in a gesture of surrender. Immediately Hikaru's expression changed from anger to fear and remorse, and he reached out to Kaoru in a beseeching gesture. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," he said desperately. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled, please don't go Kaoru." He looked perilously close to tears.

"Idiot." Kaoru took the offered hand and pulled his twin into a tight hug, rocking him slightly like an upset child. "If you think _anything_ is going to tear me away from your side again, let alone a little yelling, you're out of your mind. And you're right, I shouldn't have judged you. I'd have done a lot worse if Haruhi hadn't been there to stop me."

Haruhi stood and put a hand on Hikaru's arm, and he peered warily at her over Kaoru's shoulder. "You should know we'll both do anything to help you," she said softly. "There's nothing you could possibly do to drive us away."

"I just... part of me is still afraid I'm dreaming or hallucinating this," Hikaru confessed, clinging tight to Kaoru.

"It's real," Kaoru said fiercely, for once taking the role of the protective twin. "It's real, because I refuse to consider the alternative."

Stepping back, Haruhi gave them some space by finishing the clean-up. When she looked up again they were still standing there together, Hikaru's face buried in Kaoru's shoulder. Kaoru's eyes were closed, and he was murmuring soothingly in Hikaru's ear. It was perhaps the most touching thing she'd ever seen, and she felt very much like a third wheel. She couldn't help but wonder what this would mean for her and Kaoru, because it was certain that it changed everything. Kaoru didn't _need_ her anymore, and that made all the difference in the world.

She cleared her throat, gently drawing their attention. When they looked at her they were both so achingly vulnerable that it took her a moment to gather her own composure. "If we're staying here tonight, I'd like to take a shower," she said. "I haven't had a chance to clean up since we got on the plane." The best thing she could do for them at this point was probably to give them some time alone. And _she_ needed the chance to recover from the emotional impacts of the night as well.

"Go right ahead," Hikaru told her. "Bathroom is off the bedroom, there's towels and stuff. Uh, there should be a t-shirt or something in there, if you don't want to get back into your clothes. We can toss your stuff in the laundry in the morning, and you can borrow some sweatpants in the meantime."

"Sure, that's fine," she quickly agreed. "Kaoru's sweats fit me well enough, so yours should, too." Immediately she regretted her hasty words, because something about what she'd said made Hikaru's eyes darken again. He looked briefly at Kaoru, then away, though he didn't release the death grip he had on his brother.

Puzzled, but not wanting to hang around intruding until she had figured it out, Haruhi bowed slightly and retreated into the indicated bathroom. It was small, and had only a western shower with no tub, but it was bigger than the one she'd shared with her father for so many years. She'd gotten spoiled by living with Kaoru, she realized with a certain amount of irony.

Making sure the door was locked - not that she didn't trust them not to peek, but Kaoru might just come to check on her if she took too long - Haruhi stripped down and stepped into the shower, turning the water up as hot as she could stand it and letting it pound down onto her body, numbing her skin with heat.

Her heart felt numb, as well, and she choked on something that felt suspiciously like a sob in her throat. Things had finally, _finally_ been improving for Kaoru, and their relationship had been improving as well. Haruhi had never quite dared to allow herself to want anything more than deep friendship from him, but the night of his birthday party had made her face the fact that she'd fallen in love with him a long time ago.

The way he'd looked at her that night as he'd moved inside her body had given her real hope for the first time; hope that he could see her and want her for her own sake, because he loved her, not just as the best friend who helped him not to be alone. She'd let that hope take root in her heart, nurturing it over the two days since then, praying that when the worst was over and Kaoru had faced the truth it would mean they could at last begin to build something out of the ashes.

What kind of a horrible person was she? The man she loved had just had his wildest dream come true, and been reunited with the beloved twin brother he'd thought lost to him forever. And she was upset because it might mean that he wouldn't need her as much any more? How incredibly selfish was that?

She _was_ happy for him, for them, truly she was. But at the same time she was miserable. She sobbed softly, and realized that she was crying openly, tears mingling with the water from the shower streaming over her face. Burying her face in her hands, she let herself cry for the loss of something precious. She could hate herself for it tomorrow.


	7. Chapter 7

They'd stripped down to boxers and retreated to the bed, lying curled up in each other's arms so closely that Hikaru could feel his twin's heart beating as easily as his own. It was a familiar position, one they'd shared in the womb and that had been as automatic as breathing even after they'd come into the world. Yet it felt odd and uncertain now, just like everything else about their relationship. Hikaru wasn't used to sharing space any more.

That part obviously wasn't a problem for Kaoru. If anything the part his brother seemed to be having the most trouble adjusting to was not being in the 'dominant' position; they'd always done this with Kaoru's head tucked under Hikaru's chin, but Kaoru had tried to take the opposite position without thought when they'd first laid down. It was another grating reminder that _Kaoru_ hadn't been alone all this time, as Hikaru had.

"You're hurting," Kaoru murmured, lifting his head slightly so he could look up at Hikaru. "Hikaru, please, talk to me. What is it? Why are you so tense? Is it... just the drugs?"

For a moment Hikaru was tempted to let his brother think it was only a side effect of coming down from the high, but there had never been any secrets between them before. He didn't really want to start their second chance by keeping secrets now. "I'm... jealous," he admitted, forcing the words out painfully. "You're so close to her. Now I know how people must have felt when they watched us together." Alone, on the outside looking in, watching something they could never be part of. It had always been him and Kaoru in their own private world, but now he felt like he wasn't part of that world any more.

"What?" Kaoru looked startled, then dismayed. "Hikaru... it's not like that. I mean," he blushed, but didn't look away. "Yes, Haruhi is special to me. I couldn't have made it this long without her. But she's not a replacement for you. She never could be, and she'd never have tried."

Hikaru broke eye contact, unable to see the shy little smile Kaoru got every time he mentioned Haruhi's name. His brother squeezed him tightly, trying to draw his attention again. "Hikaru," Kaoru insisted softly. "I can't deny that I love Haruhi. Maybe... even more than I had realized. We were just starting to explore what more might be between us than friendship, even though we'd been living together more than two years. But that doesn't mean I loved you any _less_ , or ever forgot about you for even a moment."

Despite himself Hikaru looked at his brother in disbelief. "Two _years_ , and you're 'just starting to explore'?" he repeated. "C'mon, Kaoru! I know I'm supposedly the more aggressive twin, but that's ridiculous!"

"It always felt like it would be betraying you to let there be anything more than friendship," Kaoru said solemnly, his amber eyes dark with grief. "Like letting myself get closer to her was as good as admitting you were really gone, and that was something I could never bring myself to do. Besides, I could never be _whole_ without you there beside me, and how could I offer her half a person? She deserved better than that."

Suddenly Hikaru felt like a heel. No, Kaoru hadn't suffered any less than he had. Hikaru had been the more independent of the two of them, and if it had all but killed him to lose Kaoru, it must have been that much worse for his brother. He couldn't begrudge Haruhi for helping his brother to survive. Certainly not after he'd told his twin not to judge him for the route _he'd_ chosen as an escape.

"You deserved better, too," he murmured, lowering his eyes. "We both did." A burst of anger superseded the jealousy. "I'm going to kill our parents. Slowly and painfully. I think I'll take about four years at it."

"I'll help," Kaoru replied grimly, his eyes flashing with an answering anger. "And I bet Haruhi will, too. She's the one that's had to give up four years of her life babysitting me, after all. I imagine she's got a few choice things to say."

Hikaru couldn't help but chuckle. "I remember what she was like when she got her back up about something. I might just let her have the first shot. It'll be entertaining to watch."

They were silent for a while, just lying together soaking up each other's presence. When Kaoru did speak again, he sounded hesitant. "Hikaru? You'll... you'll come back with us, won't you? Or I'll stay here, if you really don't want to leave. I don't care. I just don't want to be separated from you again." _Not even for an instant_ , his tone implied, and Hikaru agreed wholeheartedly.

"If I have my say, I'm never letting you out of my sight again," Hikaru promised, and felt Kaoru relax minutely against him. "I don't know, though. I suppose I'll come back with you. There's nothing keeping me here. I'm not that close even to the people I call friends. I never really stopped thinking of Japan as 'home'."

He couldn't keep himself from sounding a little hesitant as well, though. Kaoru and Haruhi had obviously built a life together there, and he didn't want to intrude or fuck things up between them somehow.

"Oh, _good_." Kaoru sounded incredibly relieved. "We'll have to get a bigger apartment, but that's okay." Hikaru was almost pathetically grateful at this confirmation that his brother expected them to live together. Even knowing they'd be sharing the space with Haruhi couldn't dampen that relief.

Kaoru smiled up at him mischievously. "I can't wait to see the looks on everyone's faces when we invite them over. This should be fun. Too bad we don't look so much alike anymore."

"That could change," Hikaru pointed out, chuckling despite himself at the thought of their old friends' faces upon seeing him, if they'd believed him to be dead all this time. "Though I dunno, I've kind of gotten used to the long, dark hair."

"I like the length, it suits you," Kaoru said almost shyly, reaching out to wrap one long strand around his fingers and tugging gently. "Maybe I should grow mine out, too... though I'm not sure I could pull it off like you do."

The reminder that they were no longer as alike as they'd once been hurt a little, but not as much as Hikaru had expected it to. They were _together_ again, that was the important thing. If they'd grown up a little different, well, maybe that wasn't entirely a bad thing, much as it pained him to admit their parents had been right about anything.

They continued to talk softly, making plans and catching each other up on the important events of the last four years, and the longer they talked the less it hurt Hikaru to hear about things that had happened in his twin's life that he hadn't been there for. Eventually their voices slowed and grew quieter, then stopped altogether as they drowsed in each other's arms. For the first time in far too long, Hikaru felt complete.

The sound of water in the shower shut off, but Hikaru didn't consciously register the change until the door opened and bright light spilled over his face. He blinked, jarred back to semi-wakefulness, and found Haruhi hovering in the doorway. She was standing there with one hand over her mouth, her eyes wide as she stared at them. She looked vulnerable and almost frightened, and for the first time it occurred to Hikaru that it wasn't only his and his twin's lives that had just been turned upside down.

She cleared her throat quietly when she saw him looking at her, and shut off the bathroom light hastily. The room plunged into darkness once more, but he was still aware of her presence nearby. "I'll just sleep out on the couch, then" she murmured, and there was only the barest hint of something close to grief in her voice. Hikaru wondered how much that control had cost her.

"Don't be silly, you're sleeping right here," he whispered back, unaware he was planning to make the offer until it left his mouth. Surprised, he realized he meant it.

"I can't do that!" she protested, still hushed but clearly agitated. "I don't want to come between you."

"Who's coming between anybody?" he retorted. "You're crawling in on the other side of him. It's a little tight for three people, but we'll manage."

"But..." She was still standing there, dithering, clearly torn.

"At this point, he's more used to having you beside him than me," Hikaru insisted, and was proud that there was only a touch of bitterness in his voice.

"Come to bed, Haruhi," Kaoru added softly. Until that moment Hikaru hadn't been completely certain his brother was awake, but he should have known better. Kaoru shifted, turning in Hikaru's grasp so he had his back pressed to his brother's chest, and extended one hand to Haruhi. "Please. I want you both with me, so I'll know this is real. In my dreams there was only ever _one_ person beside me, you or him."

That seemed to decide her, and she slipped off the robe and climbed under the covers, cuddling close against Kaoru. When she wrapped one arm over Kaoru's waist in what seemed like an automatic gesture, she ended up draping it over Hikaru's as well. She made a startled little noise, but before she could pull away Hikaru adjusted his grip on Kaoru so she was included in it as well.

She settled in slowly, and Kaoru made a happy little sound in the back of his throat that made it all feel worth it to Hikaru. He nuzzled the back of his brother's neck, and smiled. He could feel the soft cotton of one of his t-shirts against the firm warmth of Haruhi's body under his hand, and the solid muscle of Kaoru's back against his chest. It was different from what he and Kaoru had shared four years ago... but maybe different wasn't so bad.

Maybe, just maybe, it might even have the potential to be better.


	8. Epilogue

Kaoru watched with a smirk as the servant scurried off, heading in search of their father. He, Hikaru and Haruhi were standing in the foyer of their family's American manor, and he was very much looking forward to the coming confrontation. The servant had been hired long after Hikaru and their father had moved here, of course, and despite what was presumably still a marked resemblance between Kaoru and their father, hadn't seemed to make the connection about Kaoru's identity. Hikaru hadn't bothered to introduce him; they hadn't wanted their father to have any warning. They were definitely looking forward to the shock on his face too much for that.

Footsteps on the stairs drew his attention after just a few moments. "Hikaru," their father was saying as he hurried down from the upper floor. "What's this Jenny was saying about..." he caught sight of Kaoru and stopped, surprised.

Surprised, but not shocked or horrified. Or, much to Kaoru's disappointment, guilty. Well, presumably he had to have known this day would come eventually. "Hello, father," he said, his voice low and superficially pleasant, but with a sharp note beneath the politeness. "It's been a long time."

"It's good to see you looking more like a human being," their father commented slowly, frowning thoughtfully. "Finally come to your senses and decided to stop moping, have you? It's about time. You've got a lot to catch up on if you're going to learn to run the American branch of the Hitachiin industries. Who's this? A girlfriend?" He smiled at Haruhi, who was looking up at him with much the same blank expression Kaoru imagined was on his own face.

Startled by the seeming non sequitur, Kaoru stared at him briefly before glancing at Hikaru. His brother shook his head and shrugged, obviously just as puzzled. After an instant, however, Kaoru realized what was going on. From where their father stood on the stairs, he wouldn't be able to see Hikaru through a marble column.

Kaoru turned back to smile at the elder Hitachiin, and it wasn't a pleasant smile. "You still can't tell us apart, can you?" he said.

Hikaru caught on, and his smile was equally hard-edged as he stepped forward so their father would be able to see him clearly. "And we've made it so easy for you, too. Really, father..."

"...at this point, it's just pathetic," Kaoru finished his brother's thought with an ease that was hard-won. After nearly a week together, they were finally regaining their synchronicity.

 _Now_ they got the reaction they'd been hoping for in the first place, as the senior Hitachiin gaped at them. "Kaoru?" the older man gasped, looking back and forth between them. "But... but how..."

"Did you honestly think we would never find each other again?" Kaoru asked in a scathing tone of voice, ignoring for the moment how perilously close they'd come to doing just that.

"You had to know it would happen eventually," Hikaru agreed, sneering. "When we both stepped up to take over the family business, if nothing else."

"What _were_ you planning to do then?" Kaoru asked mockingly. "Declare that 'oops, we made a mistake, but everything's okay now'?"

"Hell, for that matter, what the fuck would you have done if I'd tried to write one of my friends back home?" Hikaru demanded. " _They_ certainly knew Kaoru wasn't dead. Unless you'd planned to go through my mail..." he stopped short at the guilty look on their father's face. "You son of a bitch, that's exactly what you would have done, isn't it? I bet you even had my email monitored!"

"It was your mother's idea," their father said, sounding defeated. "Please believe me, it was _never_ supposed to go this far. She - we - thought that it would help you to learn you _could_ live without each other. Once you'd made that step, we would have explained things and Hikaru and I would have moved back home. Only you both reacted in ways we didn't predict, and then we didn't know how to fix things. It just kept getting worse, and the longer it went on, the more impossible it was to tell the truth."

"Well, it's too late," Kaoru said, his voice low and deadly. "We know the truth anyway, no thanks to you. And after the four years of _hell_ you put us through, we are _never_..."

"...going to forgive you," Hikaru finished, his tone just as hostile. "We're through playing your games, understand? If you and mother _ever_ try to interfere in our lives again..."

"Or try to disinherit us," Kaoru said coldly, "or to cut us off from our funds now, we will carry out the threat I made to mother all those years ago. We _will_ make every tabloid in _both_ countries think we're having a torrid incestuous affair, and that you separated us in an attempt to stop it."

"And I'll swear they're telling the truth," Haruhi added, surprising the twins almost as much as their father. "I can't believe anyone would do to their sons what you've done to Kaoru and Hikaru. Anything I can do to help them pay you back, I will."

Hikaru smiled at her first, but Kaoru was only a split second behind. "I knew I'd missed you for a reason," Hikaru said lightly, slinging an arm around her shoulder. "Hell, maybe we should convince everyone we're involved in an incestuous _threesome_ , just for more fodder."

"Maybe," she agreed, giggling. "Though we'd better sell the rights to Kyoya-senpai first, or we'll never hear the end of it."

They all three laughed at that, as the elder Hitachiin sputtered in horror and shock. Kaoru turned to look at him one last time. "Stay out of our lives," he reiterated. "And as far as I'm concerned, I hope that's the last word I ever say to you. _So_ good to see you again, father," he added with saccharine sweetness that did nothing to cover the venom in his tone.

"We _won't_ be seeing you again," Hikaru finished, and turned away. He still had his arm around Haruhi's shoulder; Kaoru reached for her other hand, and linked his fingers through hers. She smiled back at him, and they all strolled through the wide front doors together.

He felt so light it was like he was walking on air, all the burdens and agony of the last four years sliding off his shoulders as he walked into the sunlight with the two people most important to him at his side.

For the first time in far too long, all was right with the world, and he intended to enjoy every second of it.


End file.
